You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

You’ve lost that Loving Feeling….

How to get IN to intimacy

“Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are.” Amy Bloom

Ever want that connection… but not THAT connection? And, doesn’t that sound so much more meaningful than sexy Victoria’s Secret lingerie?  I mean, there’s nothing wrong with sexy, but sex and intimacy aren’t necessarily interdependent. And, for many people, it’s harder to be intimate WITHOUT the sexy part than WITH the sexy part. When the “private part” is one’s own vulnerability the stakes are higher than when the clothing comes off. It’s no wonder, then, that true intimacy is somewhat of a rarity.

After all, it’s hard to open up and allow someone else to see your tender underbelly. It’s frightening and creates anxiety; it brings up all kinds of stuff.  However, if we can’t go “there”, the other stuff is just a roll in the hay which may be fun in the moment or a whole lot of regret down the road.

Do you remember The Office? Specifically, the Jim and Pam love story?

I am a BIG time Office fan. And I am always shocked at how many of us are out there (“us” being die-hard fans, even though the show’s last episode was nine years ago).  There are TONS of us. So, I am not afraid to use this story as a true testimonial to what real intimacy looks like.

Jim and Pam: It truly was one of the greatest love stories in television history.

Not because it was super romantic (ok, it was in a girl-next-door meets boy-next-door kinda way) or super-hot and heavy (I’m sort of happy they never showed us that part) and certainly not because they were super glamorous (no Brad and Angelina here)

But actually because of the opposites of ALL of that. Because it was so REAL.

They had a truly intimate relationship and we loved them because we were all part of their intimacy. Watching their story unfold was like being in on the intimacy too. We saw all their shared laughs, their inside jokes, their first kiss, their runaway wedding. They never had any hot and sexy nude scenes or racy-fifty-shades- of-gray-conversations.

They had something more than that. They had something that would last. They had genuine intimacy- or- as real as it can be portrayed on a TV sitcom albeit much loved sitcom.

And that’s what made it a great television love story because its all of our stories and our desires. We are all looking for our “Pam” or “Jim” – that one other human we can look at from across the room and know exactly what they are thinking or share a funny joke by just saying one word and the rest you don’t have to explain or go into a shop and know exactly what that person would pick out.

That’s what makes true intimacy so sacred to us.

We crave it, we need it, it’s part of who we are. It’s that “je ne sais quoi” that creates specialness in life.

The cool thing about true intimacy is that it can be shared with your spouse, your partner, your best friend, your sibling, your child, and, heck yeah, even your dog!

Yes! Your dog and you can have an intimate relationship.

Now before you get all hairy eye-ball on me – hear me out:

Having an intimate relationship with someone is about taking every day moments and turning them into little treasures. If you found one specific time during the day that you dedicated to sitting with your dog on a specific chair or couch, and you fed them a special treat and just snuggled the heck out of them, you would create a special intimate moment with your pet (you can do this with your cat too). I bet after doing that for a couple weeks, in the same place, at the same time each day, your dog will be sitting there like clockwork, with those “you complete me” eyes. Then, BAM! You’ve created that intimate bond.

Intimacy is so damn important because in this crazy world in which we live there’s lots of “stuff” that takes up our time.  “Stuff” that resembles bubble gum. Tastes good at first but in the end, you spit it out because its flavorless.

Intimacy creates quality in our lives. It creates meaning. It creates our lives. That’s flavor that lasts.

But, here’s the thing: it may take some time to really cultivate. Back to Jim and Pam: they crushed hard on each other for three damn seasons before they FINALLY started dating. and guess what? It was SO worth it!!!

As they showed us, intimacy can be a teapot (yes, the “Christmas Party”, season two).  Now to Pam, that gift meant the world but to someone else- say Dwight- that might not mean anything.  In fact, when presented with a teapot, he most likely would go on a tirade about its inefficiencies and somehow equate it back to the growing of beets.

Do you see where I am going with this? Intimacy is seeing the specialness of life through another’s lens, sharing that view, opening up to it, treasuring it. Its adding quality to the little moments in time that might otherwise slip away…

We can’t add in minutes to our day, there’s a finite number of those. There’s also a finite number of days in a week. That’s it. But what we can add in is quality in those minutes, in those days.

We don’t have the time to be intimate with everyone, and that’s ok. Whether you create intimacy with a person, pet, place or with yourself, it doesn’t matter. It just matters that you do.

When you make something particularly intimate or special it creates meaning and memory.  It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring a bowl of cereal or climbing Mount Everest, that thing that you pour your intimacy into becomes so much more than just that “thing”. It becomes something that fills your cup, and refills your cup, and then re-refills your cup.

I still re-watch those episodes of Jim and Pam’s romance: the first kiss, when he proposed, their Niagara Falls wedding. It’s the sweetest.  It’s real.  And its great evidence of the intimacy in those moments that make us the most human. It’s the evidence of what matters in life.

So here are some tips to stay Intimate this week with whomever you chose to be vulnerable with, to create moments with, to share life with…

1. Take a walk but don’t take any kind of a walk. Take a very special walk. Make every single thing on that walk mean something. Maybe that walk means putting on a special pair of hiking boots or maybe it means putting on a special sweater that feels super comfy.  Maybe it means meeting with a friend for your favorite cup of tea before that walk. Make it an event.
2. Watch TV but not just any old TV. Watch TV with someone you care about. My friend’s son has a serious long-distance relationship and when I say long distance I mean it. She lives in Washington (the STATE) and he lives in NY. My friend tells me they often watch movies together even while they’re apart. They put it on at the same time and Facetime while the movie plays. They laugh, talk and comment during the whole thing, just like they were sitting next to each other on the couch watching Net flicks. You don’t necessarily have to be in the same room to share intimate moments.
3. Make something for somebody. Yes, it can be cookies, it can be a valentine, it can be a painted rock, it can be a knitted sweater. But make something for someone you care about-surprise them! There’s something very intimate about gift giving, and then something even more intimate about a gift created specifically for someone else. It shows true care and consideration, but it especially shows how much your relationship is valued.
4. Pray or meditate with someone. There’s something very intimate when you can sit right next to a person and not talk or converse or do anything but still share the connection. You can even do this with pets. Many animals can sit right next to you for hours without even moving…
5. Call a friend, write them a letter, text them, email them -whatever mode you choose- but tell them how freaking fantastic they are. Don’t forget to include writing about one spectacular memory you have with them that makes you laugh out loud or cry happy tears when you think of that moment in time.
6. Want to save some of that intimacy for yourself? Well, you should! You are pretty amazing! I’m hosting a workshop on Monday (2/21/22 at 6pm EST) about ALL of this: but here’s a juicy one:  Take a shower or a bath: get out your favorite soap, or body oil, your favorite wash cloth or loofah. Start with your toes.  Look at your toes with awe and wonder and tell yourself how much you love your toes. Move up to the soles of your fee, your ankles, your calves; let each part of you know how much love you have for it. Keep going with every body part until you get to your head and, if you feel so inclined, do the same with your shampoo and conditioner. Wash your face and hair with the ultimate love, saying out loud “I love my lips, my cheeks, my eyes,” etc.  If you find this challenging and you’ve lost that loving feeling then imagine yourself as your child, or your pet or someone you love very much. Pretty soon, you will very much feel that love for yourself. After your bath, put on your favorite cologne or perfume, dress yourself up and feed yourself something yummy.  Say to yourself “I’m going to have a super spectacular day because I am so exceptionally awesome.”

That’s my intimacy list. I’d bet that any one of those things will instantly create a stronger bond with whoever you are looking to get closer to, including yourself. You can’t create more time, you can create more moments. Go get that loving feeling and the quality of your time will make it FEEL like you added more minutes to your day because you added life to those minutes.

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